Lock down made the world slow down and over the past month life has been getting back to normal. I’ve been busy every weekend, back in the office 4 days a week and back to the gym in the evenings, lock down life gave me time to think and process a lot of feelings I feel I had put to the back of my mind over the years and I feel like I was falling back into the trap of the busy life again. Learning from this I am now scheduling in my diary ‘Me’ time. I always say you should be selfish and spend time just in your own company doing what you want to do, so now I will be practising what I preach haha. So, this blog post is basically a question to myself to get some clarity of my own thoughts, I’m sure people will resonate so here goes;
I am someone that loves change, I love to meet new people in new places experiencing new things. However, its recently crossed my mind do I really love change or do I just like the feeling of people not knowing anything about me that they can judge me on. Do I really love change or have I been running away from my feelings? Meeting new people in new places means no judgement, no pity, just knowing you for who you are at the certain time in your life. For me this all started when my mum passed away, so some may say I’ve just been running away from my problems and this is what I have been working on over the last few months with the help of lock down.
So, let’s take it back 10 years, Mum passes away when I was only 15 and in my final few weeks of year 10. Mum was very known with all my friends and even some of the teachers at school. Shortly after mum died, I decided to go back to school and people were so different, teachers included. Yes, I understand it’s so difficult to know how to act around someone grieving but at 15 I didn’t understand this and kind of just got angry at the fact everyone was treating me differently. In my head I hadn’t changed so it just didn’t sit well with me. Girls who hated me (No hard feelings now just high school drama) was now being super nice to me, teachers all treading on egg shells around me in case I broke down in tears or had ‘a moment’. It’s kind of felt like I could get away with anything in my final year at school because everyone felt sorry for me that my mum had died.
Back then I was in that mindset of being strong and not wanting sympathy of anything to change. My home/family life had just been thrown upside down I just wanted every other part of my life to stay as normal as possible, to be kind of an escape but was this just me not wanting to except the feelings of grief. Rather than accepting that I wasn’t going to be treated the same anymore, I focused on working towards my first big change.
Change number one; Move school for a different sixth form.
I decided that I just needed a fresh start at a new school so I moved to Hayes sixth form. It was about a year after mu mum had passed, in a different area, with only a handful of people I knew. It was a fresh start where no one knew me or that I was the girl that lost her mum and tbh was the best decision I made. Going to a school and having to make new friends was exciting to me and took my mind off grief, sixth form kept me busy and pretty focused. Eventually once I had made friends and settled in of course they then found out that my mum had died but because they never new her or my family I was never judged, they didn’t no me before my mum had died so they couldn’t compare if I was different or not. Sixth form was a very fun 2 years of my life and I may not be super close with people I met there, they are all great people and we had some pretty fun party’s and trips to McDonalds (that year when everyone starts driving and bunks class to drive to McDonalds, yeah, we was them cool kids). Completed the A levels and then it was time to think about my next change.
Change number two; Move half way across the country to university in Bristol.
University is something I really wanted, once again I was excited bout moving somewhere where I new no one (Some people might think I’m super weird but it’s just something that excites me). There is a whole post coming on how grief affected my uni experience so I’ll save the details for that. Anyway, after a foundation degree, BSc Hons degree and a placement year it was time for change number three.
Change number three; Flying half way across the world on a one-way ticket. Firstly, anyone that has ever thought about travelling, please book that one-way ticket and go (Once Covid allows this again) because honestly, it’s the best thing that you will ever do! You learn so much about yourself, make the most incredible memories and meet some bloody amazing people. I recommend going Solo to because honestly you really get to know yourself and be selfish and just do what you want when you want with who you want.
Anyway, I could talk about travelling for a very long time but let’s not get distracted from the point of this post. It’s a question to myself. Do you really love change or have you just been running away from your grief?
Truthfully, I still can’t answer this question and this is why I started the Girl with Grief, to take you all on this journey of figuring out my thoughts and feelings so people can relate. Lock down gave me time to think maybe a little too much over thinking but I took the positives from it and I’m enjoying the process of the Girl with Grief and I’m excited to see where it goes. Lock down has a its positives but it also had its negatives Covid ruined my next big change, change number 4; my move to Aus.
I have always been a believer in everything happens for a reason, we are meant to learn from everything that is thrown in our way in life and I do feel its meant to happen to make us who we are today. Due to Covid my plans to move to Aus. fell through due to the boarders closing for the foreseeable future. My plans were thrown off and I was gutted, I am gutted but I also think it’s a blessing in disguise. Lock down has given me time to really understand me and where I was and want to be physically and mentally. Anyone that knows me personally will have seen my weight loss journey over social media and in person over the last 5 months but its not just my body I have been working on it my mind to. I started the girl with grief not only to help others but for my own kind of therapy, writing down and sharing my thoughts and feelings really helps me clear my mind.
Grief is a journey and I feel like its only now 10 years on I’m truly dealing with the feelings I’ve felt over the last decade. So, whether I have been subconsciously running away from these feelings I’m proud to say I’m now facing them head on and actually enjoying the process. So, to anyone on a journey with grief or simply just a journey with themselves, embrace all the emotions your feeling. Read books, write journals, start a blog, talk to friends and family or contact me through Instagram.
You are never alone so keep going, you got this. If you feel like your running away from your feelings, lets face them together. Concentrate on you, be selfish. Its amazing the change you can make to your physical and mental health in just a short space of 6 months.
You got this, stay strong and reach out if your struggling.
Lots of love The Girl with Grief xx