The grief I’ve never spoken about: Dedicated to Duncan Evans
A slightly different post today. Is it ok to grieve for someone that may have done you wrong? Or someone you weren’t as close with when they passed? For me the answer is yes, you may not of seen someone for a good few years but if the impacts your life at all your 100% going to grieve for them. Grief comes in many different forms and don’t let anyone tell you who you should and should be grieving at the end of the day there your feelings and emotions and no one else will ever know exactly how you feel. So here goes the post about someone that impacted my life for only a short amount of time but I have never really spoken about.
Meet Duncan my mum’s boyfriend at the time of her death. They met at the golf club my mum worked at, this was the first person she properly dated after splitting from my dad (That me and my sister got introduced to anyway haha). I don’t know if she was worried or nervous to tell me and my sister, she had met someone but she would be smiling at her phone all bloody evening so we knew there was somebody. Eventually we got to meet him, went for dinner in Banstead high street Pizza Express and all was well. We got to know him a lot better over the course of a year or so and honestly, I adored the man. Our birthdays were a day apart so may have been the Aquarius traits but yeah, we just really got along. We even asked Duncan to sit front row with us at my mum’s funeral, which at the time was a massive deal for me and my sister, this was going to be the hardest thing we have ever had to do.
Anyway, this is probably the toughest post for me to write because things weren’t so smooth sailing after my mum died. Duncan had been battling cancer most of his adult life and fell very ill once again. Me and my sister would visit him in hospital and seeing someone dying of cancer is pretty tough he had lost so much weight and week by week looked like a different person but he kept fighting. He had met someone else who we once met on a hospital visit but we were told it was just a friend (No hard feelings my mum was dead he had to move on). This is when the story changes. One day I was sitting on my bed and received a text from this woman basically saying Duncan wasn’t the person I thought he was, I was 16/17 at the time and the words that were sent was just something I feel you don’t send a person of that age. So, I took the phone to my auntie and she dealt with it from that point forward.
I was devastated by this text and just sat and cried. I remember my auntie asking me why I was so upset and my only reply was ‘because I don’t want it to be true’. Anyway, my auntie dealt with the situation and we never saw Duncan again. At the time I was fine by this decision and new it was best for me and my sister. It wasn’t until we got that message to say he had finally lost his battle with cancer. It had been about a year since id seen him but my god it hurt. I think at that age I didn’t want to no anything from that text I received, I was already hurt so what was the point in asking questions.
Anyway, we were sent the funeral details but both my sister and I decided it wasn’t the right idea to go. Was this the correct thing to do? At the time yes, I thought it was but years on I still feel there is no closure. Not even 3 years after losing my mum and I was grieving for yet another person.
Do I regret not asking questions? Do I regret not seeing him again? Yes & No, at that age it would of done me more harm than good but on the other hand now im older i still think about it and have and will never have closure. I chose to remember Duncan for the Duncan that I knew and loved and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I am sharing this storey for anyone that may have lost someone they no longer saw or spoke to, maybe an old school friend you drifted from or a parent that you never knew, a family member you argued with a few weeks before they passed. For anyone that questions that they should have done more to make things right before it was to late. Guilt is one of the biggest emotions when it comes to grief, you can feel guilty for not making up after a drama or reaching out after your lives went in different directions, unfortunately nothing can bring them back so don’t beat yourself up about it.
Since facing my grief and the feelings than come with it, it really makes you appreciate life and realise how bloody short it is. So, do what makes you happy with people that make you happy. If you feel like your going to bed tonight thinking ‘I should really reach out to this person’ then do it you never know when your last opportunity to do so could be.
Greif is difficult to deal with whatever the situation, you will always remember them however long they were in your life. Please remember my DM’s are open if you ever want to talk about your grief or if your supporting a grieving person.
Lots of Love
The Girl with Grief